more powerful than ever?

at the beginning of this year one of my favorite podcasts, Jordan, Jesse, Go! proposed "More powerful than ever!" as a kind of theme for 2012.  Naturally, I felt I could really get behind that theme and privately took it on as my own theme for the year as well.  I started the year with a lot of excitement: I was starting a new job, planning my wedding.  Well, the year sort of took a nose dive as I watched my partner draw away from me and then, ultimately, call off our wedding ceremony.  None of this is anything I'm prepared to talk about in any depth in this particular forum, for a whole host of reasons.  I suppose when I took "more powerful than ever!" on as my own theme, I didn't really imagine it in a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" kind of a way but I suppose that's what it has turned out to be.  Since the summer, I've had to really let go of so much of what I thought my life was going to be.  The mold I was pouring my days into is broken to smithereens.   And I've had to really live with the reality that, right now, I can't really begin to know the shape my life will take with that mold broken.  Limbo has never been a place I've been remotely comfortable being; I tend to like to make important decisions quickly and not look back.  As a result, this months-long-and-no-end-in-sight limbo that I'm in right now with regard to my family life is so disconcerting and uncomfortable.  And, really, I feel like I'm coming close to thriving, given the circumstances.  Though this year has been hard beyond measure, at times, I feel like it has been wonderful:  I love my new job very much, the love and support of my friends and family has been stronger and more obvious to me than ever as they've rallied around me during these difficult months, my son is healthy and happy and growing more delightful by the day.  I'm rediscovering myself, too, in the ways that major changes and challenges will push one to do.

Tonight, though, is New Year's Eve and I'm struggling, a bit, with sad feelings.  I know this is a bullshit drinking holiday but it has always been a favorite of mine.  I know that a year is an arbitrary thing.  But, here's the thing, I like that feeling of being on the fulcrum between what was and what will be.  I like that despite all the year end retrospectives and resolving for the year ahead, New Year's Eve is, for me, a celebration that is really about being in the present.  Having said goodbye the previous year, we can sit, for a spell, not yet in that imagined future.  I like that it is a holiday that is both about self-improvement and also about drunken cheering and kissing and confetti.  And the cheering and the kissing and the confetti and all of that...I like it!  I really do!  And tonight I'm alone.  It's okay; it is what it is.  I had planned to go to a party tonight, J. and I would stay home with the baby in shifts, but J. is sick and I've been up at 3:30am virtually every night this week due to the baby's jet lag and at the end of the day I just felt too spent in every way.  

So, this new year holiday will be a bit more about the quiet reflection for me, and a lot less about the revelry.  That's okay.  I'm more powerful than ever.