okay i found some prompts for #reverb12.  actually, i found several sets of prompts for #reverb12 and then a variety of other similar things (#weverb? #cultivate?) whatever, i'm not really affiliated with any of these loose networks of blogs and the point is just to get writing so i'm just going to pick some prompts and jump in.  

It's funny, last year when I did this, I really thought I was participating under the most difficult circumstances.  As I typed one-handed while the baby nursed or slept in my arms and I balanced my part-time work with the realities of parenting an infant, I thought, "wow, it's amazing that i'm finding the time to write on top of all of this".  Well, as usual, Past-Rachel is such an innocent.  Tonight I got home with Abbott after a full and busy day in the office, fed him dinner, bathed him and put him to bed.  Except...tonight the "put him to bed" part was two full hours of screaming and crying and carrying on.  And when he was finally asleep I had to get the chili in the crockpot so we'd have something to eat tomorrow, make my lunch for tomorrow, clean up the toys, and get the dishes done and kitchen cleaned up.  And now it's time to write.  Except the bed calls to me, oh, it calls to me.

Tonight's prompt:

Imagine a scenario where you only had one year left to live. What is one thing that you really wish to do that you just haven't had the chance to accomplish yet?

I would like to throw out the "one year left to live" part of this.  For me, it's not a helpful way of looking at it.  I know from the post that the prompt-writer is on a transplant waiting list and I mean no disrespect.  I probably should be able to look that question square on but I can't right now.  If I had only one year left to live, right now, I would spend it getting things as set up as I could for my son's future and trying to leave him something to remember me by that could somehow convey to him what he has meant to me already in his short life.  But I think it's more useful for me to focus on the goals I have for living my life as it is.  

The whole conceptualizing of goals/dreams/wishes for the future is really, really, really (really!) hard for me.  Years and years ago I started working on "Life List" (dear god, don't call it a bucket list, please) and I think i've made it up to about 50 items on that list...and I was shooting for 100. I've actually thought a lot about why that is.  I think there are happy reasons for that - I am sincerely happy in my life and honestly don't spend much time on daydreaming about how my life could be different, how if I could just do "x" I'd be happier.  I like to think when I come upon an "x" that would make me happier, I do it.  So, I'm a relatively satisfied woman of action.  But there's a side to this that I hate to admit, even to myself.  And that is, I'm so fucking terrified.  I'm just so fucking terrified to admit what I want.  To anyone.  Especially to myself.  Because if I want something?  And I don't get it?  Or someone thinks it's stupid?  Or I fail?  Or I get it and then find out I don't like it?  well???  Well, I know the answer is...nothing...that's life.  Nothing bad happens.  But, oh god, I really don't like copping to my desires.  This is actually playing out in my life in all kinds of ways at the moment so this challenge to talk honestly with myself about my goals, my wishes, my's a good challenge.  To that end, I've been posting "life list" items in dribs and drabs over on the new Go Mighty site, a site dedicated to helping people work on their life lists.  For me, spending time (precious time!) this year really, really practicing saying out loud and in public what I want is, well, very important.  Oh my lord, this is a lot of preamble....


so, for this thing I'd like to do that I haven't accomplished yet...I would really like to see a bear in the wild.  I lived in rural NH for half my life where black bears are literally yard pests but somehow our paths never crossed.  I know this is a bit of a goofy one because it's not like something I really have a ton of control over but, man, I really want to see one.  I love bears so very much and I just really want to see one outside, doing its thing.  

Is it lame that I put that big preamble there about how I need to be able to admit what I want etc and then I post just this little goal that doesn't seem really personal?  Does it help to know that even writing that in public and really admitting that this is something that I want makes me feel a little twitchy?  Baby steps, guys, baby steps.  Also, I'm doing this work over at Go by one I'm getting all my goals from the life list i've drafted over there and I'm going to get up to 100 damn it!  

Oh, bed, I'm coming, my dear, i'm coming...

but first, isn't this such a pretty, sad song?